Marriage is an exciting thing. It's something I've wanted and worked for my entire adult life. After 12 years of searching, it finally happened. I couldn't believe it. I kept thinking, "Please don't let this be a dream!" Here's what I've learned so far. They all tie together.
NOTE: My husband and I belong to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (aka "Mormons") and were sealed in the Provo City Center Temple. We believe marriage is for eternity.
1) Marriage is a laboratory for charity - The Book of Mormon defines charity as the pure love of Christ. I thought I was a loving person; it's easy for me to meet or see a person and instantly care about them, and see them as a child of God worthy of love. However, I don't think I knew what true love was until after I got married.
The best definition of charity is found in the Bible - 1 Corinthians 13:4-7:
Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil; Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth; Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.
Every time I read that, I feel extremely imperfect and lacking, which is ok because God knows we will never become perfect in this mortal life. We must simply strive for perfection with Christ's grace.
In my humbling experience as a newlywed, I learned more about charity and would like to add to its definition.
Charity is unconditional and does not waver depending on another's choices. Charity is pure acceptance of someone for everything they are without trying to change them. Charity assumes the best in people. Charity means doing what Christ would do, not what is most convenient and comfortable.
Practicing charity is hard and it's meant to be. We're simply experiencing growing pains; growing into the kind of person God intends us to be to be worthy to live with Him for eternity. Nothing of value is easy. The wonderful thing is, charity is a heavenly gift we can pray for as often as we can humble ourselves. The Book of Mormon has this very hopeful verse - Moroni 7:48:
Pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love, which he hath bestowed upon all who are true followers of his Son, Jesus Christ; that ye may become the sons of God; that when he shall appear we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is; that we may have this hope; that we may be purified even as he is pure.
I think of marriage as a laboratory because it's where I fail often but keep trying to get it right. I pray for charity multiple times a week because I do not naturally have enough to be the kind of wife and person I want to be.
2) All my frustrations come from being impatient, controlling, and judgmental - These are my 3 biggest weaknesses which I have known for years and been consciously striving to correct since I became aware of them. I freely admit them to everyone and myself because how can I improve what I don't acknowledge? These are the greatest tendencies of my flawed human self, and I've learned some useful things to help me conquer them.
Obviously, these 3 monsters haunted me during my single life as well but they have really be roaring at me since I got married because I am around another human being most of the time. There are many more opportunities to experience uncertainty, fear, and pride. I'm very open to my husband and others about these weaknesses. When I'm feeling cranky, I try to be quick to apologize and thank them for their patience.
- Impatience is not merely the lack of patience. It reveals my intolerance for uncertainty, lack of action, and stalling on decision making. I'm a go-getter and high achiever, I don't like waiting around without accomplishing something or not knowing what's coming. This sometimes leads me to be impulsive and make decisions without exploring all possible options, and thus, picking a less optimal choice. It makes me restless in my seat and distracted from my current situation. It obscures gratitude and leads to unproductivity if left untempered. Patience is not a natural virtue of mine.
- Being controlling, I have learned, comes from our attempt to avoid our deepest fears. I have many fears - unpredictable possibilities that may happen in the unknown future relating to premature death, illness, accident, disability, and not living to my full potential. But I know that is from Satan because "God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of clove, and of a sound mind." (2 Timothy 1:7) I strongly believe that if we are righteous, God will bless us beyond our wildest imagination, but I also know this life is meant to be a test and not a breeze. In my attempt to avoid future calamities and struggles, I can become a nag who is unpleasant to be around. Increasingly, I am able to recognize controlling urges and not act on them, but they still create inner turmoil for me.
- Being judgmental comes from pride, the ugly kind. I think my strong sense of judging right from wrong and good from evil comes from my survival instinct when I first moved from China to Guam at age 7, and then to Seattle at age 8. Everything was foreign to me and I had to make quick judgments of people, places, foods, words, and other cultural factors to decide if I should imitate or spurn various influences. I learned to judge rampantly and became very good at it. It wasn't until I joined The Church at age 18 that I realized it was a sin and ultimate judgment belonged to God. The best instruction I've found on judgment so far is the talk "Judge Not and Judging" by Apostle Dallin H. Oaks. I've been working on withholding unrighteous judgment ever since.
I love that God wants us to embrace our weaknesses, just long enough for Him to strengthen us.
If men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them. (Book of Mormon - Ether 12:27)3) Differences are good - I did not believe this for a long time. In dating, I was looking for someone as similar to myself as possible. Sure, I'd heard that "opposites attract" but I wanted to find someone who was compatible with me, which - to me - meant being the same. I have unique interests and I was delighted to find that my [future] husband seemed to have all the same interests too! It wasn't really until after we got engaged and married that all the non-obvious, underlying differences began emerging. I started to freak out. I did not know how to deal with someone who had such opposite beliefs, attitudes, and habits from mine. My husband wasn't distressed at all, he believed differences were good. And therein lied one of our fundamental differences in beliefs. Oh the irony.
I tried to believe him, but I was skeptical at first. 5 weeks after our wedding, Apostle David A. Bednar shared a public statement on Facebook on marriage that humbled me. He wrote -
I often emphasize the truth that you do not simply “find” the marriage you hope to have. Rather, you create it.
If you believe you can find a “perfect companion,” you will spend a lot of time searching for a person who does not exist. You should strive to become your best self and to strengthen your faith in and devotion to the Lord Jesus Christ. Then you will more likely attract an eternal companion who will honor covenants, keep the commandments, and love the Lord.
When you and your spouse remain steadfast on the covenant path, you will have heavenly help to create the marriage you hope to have.
Part of a happy marriage is benefitting from the differences between men and women—to receive strength through and be blessed by differences. We might think we want our spouse to have the same attitudes and qualities that we do, but differences actually strengthen our marriages. When we understand our divine roles, traits, and distinctive capacities as men and women and build on those, we bring strength to our marriage.Since then, I have found more evidence of this. My husband and I don't tell each other, "I told you so!" but he gave me a knowing look. I'm grateful for his faith in me and in us.
4) God knows what is best for me better than I do - Ok I learned this years ago and I have many joyous examples from my previous adventures but never have the stakes been so high as in marriage! My husband and I had a relatively brief courtship - we got engaged 1 month after we became boyfriend/girlfriend and married 5 months later, all over long distance and many plane flights. So we didn't know each other THAT well but we both had an unmistakable, silently powerful sense of peace in our hearts that we wanted to be together forever. We knew that peace could only come from God, whom we loved and trusted.
We remembered that peace when challenges appeared, which they always do. Usually, those challenges stem from my own weaknesses (see #2!). I leaned heavily on that peace while adjusting to married life and coping with all our differences. That peace was always there even when I felt lost. My prayers in the first few months often went something like this -
"Heavenly Father, I don't know what I'm doing. Why is this so hard?! How do we do this marriage thing? I don't understand him and I feel weak, but I trust that you would never lead me to a detrimental situation so please send help. I need reassurance. I need divine assistance through the Atonement of Jesus Christ. Please send me a greater measure of charity. Please help me act like Jesus would. Please send me guidance through the Holy Ghost. I can't do this alone. I know that you and I can get through anything."And guess what, God ALWAYS pulls me through these moments of quiet desperation. Sometimes, I have no idea how something gets resolved but then it does and I pour out prayers of gratitude.
As we go through our daily married lives together, I am increasingly surprised by how my husband complements me in ways I didn't expect or even know I needed. He balances me out, he knows how to handle my silent treatments (I'm working on that, of course), he has many skills I don't have, he knows so many random interest facts, he boosts my self-confidence when I thought I was already pretty self-assured...basically he enriches my life in ways only God could have known. I'm truly grateful God led us to each other, gave us the peace to commit to each other, and the grace to move forward in this laboratory of charity.
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In summary, here's my humble earned-by-experience advice for how to prepare for marriage, or how to improve your marriage:
- Practice charity with everyone
- Strengthen your weaknesses through Christ
- Embrace differences in others
- Trust God and ask Him to help you
It's only been 6 months. I'm sure I have much more to learn. Feel free to share your experiences, lessons and advice below.
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