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| Hainan Island, China circa 1990 |
2) Some people just won’t like you no matter what you do; focus your energy on those who do like you - I learned this from my piano teacher who helped me make sense of why my 3 roommates in college disliked living with me enough to replace me without telling me. I'd tried so hard to be a good roommate. It was a painful lesson to learn but I'm glad I did early on.
3) Health is the first wealth; I need to slow my pace or God will force me to rest with illness - My mom often repeated this to me when I would burn out after going full speed with work, school, socializing and exploring the city in DC/NYC.
4) It doesn’t matter how great and compatible you think someone is; if they don’t love you back, it’s not worth your time or energy - I learned this after an excruciating rejection from who I thought was the "love of my life". I thought he was perfect for me but he only saw me as a good friend. I later learned the perfect man for me will love me completely!
5) It doesn’t matter how others treat you; God will only judge you based on how you treat others - I learned this while I was working with difficult people and I was trying to remain calm and sane. They didn't treat me very well but I realized Christ wasn't treated well by many people and He still chose to be kind. He teaches us to do as He did.
6) Happiness is a choice and takes effort - I learned this after I moved from NYC to Utah and was miserably trying to adjust to a new job in the landlocked desert, missing the city terribly. I started working very deliberately to be happy by studying Positive Psychology and reading books/articles about wellness. I didn't like being miserable and realized there is still a lot I can control in my life to increase my happiness but MAN it takes a lot of work!!
7) Speed is useless without accuracy - I learned this from my boss who was amazed at how fast I would get things done but found various errors and typos. She taught me this lesson with much patience and kindness.
8) What people most want is to be heard, understood, and validated - This stems from my counseling training and working as a career counselor/coach and academic advisor. Yes, people have all sorts of problems they want solved but if I first acknowledge and validate their distressing emotions with empathy and acceptance, they instantly unload a big part of their burden and become more able to express themselves and trust me.
9) Two great people could be incompatible for each other - I learned this from the many dating relationships I've had with really good men. Yes, we have full agency to choose who we want to be with, but some relationships take too much work and compromise to make it worth it.
10) The goal in a job interview is not to prove you have the minimal qualifications but to show all your strengths to make it obvious that they should hire you because you're clearly the best candidate - This is from firsthand experience going to dozens of interview, maybe even over one hundred in my adult lifetime. I used to do the bare minimum until I realized how competitive the job market is, and you never know who your fellow candidates are. So I started really getting more clarity on my own strengths and unique contributions because employers don't know until we tell them.
11) When people are rude, it’s because they are in pain and suffering somehow - I love the saying "Just because you have pains, it doesn't mean you have to BE a pain." BUT many people can't control their emotions enough to not take it out on whoever is around them. To protect ourselves, we can choose to not take things personally and even muster enough charity to see how we can help. That's what Christ would do.
12) Sometimes you have to let go of friendships that are draining you - I first did this in college when a friend would call all the time and just talk about her life/problems/thoughts/etc. I listened and tried to be supportive, and then share about my life. But she would always hijack the conversation and change the topic back to her. It became too much of an energy and time sucker so I was sad I had to cut off the friendship.
13) All relationships take deliberate and regular effort and time - It's sad to see friends and family drift away as I get older; we all become preoccupied with our increasingly busy and complicated lives and have less time to invest in the friendships/relationships that we used to depend on. As I've moved alot throughout my life, I've learned to really cherish the people I'm closest to and strive to keep in contact with them through social media, texts, calls, emails, etc. Grateful for the assistance of technology!
14) If we’re not getting a righteous desire, it’s because God still has things for us to learn - Sometimes, when I want something righteous really bad (like a good job or to find housing in time) but seem to come across barriers, I ask God what I need to learn in this period before I can progress on to the next. One time, I prayed really hard to find a good job and He asked me to read 3 chapters of the Book of Mormon everyday, which I did for about 4 months. It was past the period of time when I wanted a new job but I gained such a deeper understanding and testimony of that book, and THEN I got a great job. I know patience will be something I have to practice and learn throughout my life.
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| Guangzhou, China circa 1997 |
15) Many of our bad habits are unconscious and come from our parents’ upbringing - I'm not trying to cast blame here. Just saying, many ways of acting/thinking/speaking are passed down generations unconsciously. We can't always blame our parents for their faults because that's how they were raised, and maybe their parents had to do things a certain way to get by during challenging times. Forgiveness and empathy can be healing.
16) We have a personal brand whether we manage it or not - Since junior high, I've been hyper aware of how people perceive me and whether that aligns with how I want to be perceived and who I really am. Many people don't realize the effect their behavior has on others. The more aware we are about our personal brand (including mannerisms, speech, emails, online profiles, etc.), the more power we have to intentionally shape our brand.
17) We can do everything we want, just not everything all at once - I want a fulfilling career but I also want thriving family life with a loving husband and healthy happy children. I want to improve my dancing, singing, piano playing, drawing, blogging, reading, learn new hobbies, etc. etc...so many things. If I try to do it all at once, I'll burn out. I've learned from other accomplished women that there are different seasons and stages of our lives, and we can do all the things we want if we space them out.
18) Knowledge is the only thing that can’t be taken away from you - I love this truth my Mom taught me since I was young even before I joined the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and read Doctrine & Covenants 130:18-19: "Whatever principle of intelligence we attain unto in this life, it will rise with us in the resurrection. And if a person gains more knowledge and intelligence in this life through his diligence and obedience than another, he will have so much the advantage in the world to come."
19) It’s faster to do things alone but it’s more memorable to do them with good company - I don't mind going to concerts, movies, dinners, or other things by myself and have done so many times. It can be frustrating trying to plan and coordinate social activities with various people, but I trust studies that show we enjoy experiences more when we have someone to share it with. They make the memories deeper and longer lasting.
20) Most things are amoral; we determine if we'll use them for good or bad (i.e. money, technology, talents) - I know I'm addicted to Facebook so I've taken many breaks from it. Yes, I'm less distracted and I get more sleep but I also have a harder time keeping in touch with people or learning about the latest news. We have to choose to use things for good because Satan will always tempt us to use them destructively.
21) Normal ailments can usually be significantly improved with more water and sleep - Stress, exhaustion, and dehydration are the hidden causes of many problems.
22) When people hurt your feelings, most of the time it's unintentional and they're just more focused on themselves - I've been in many situations when I felt neglected or forgotten and later found out that person was busy figuring out a crisis in their own life.
23) You can't numb the negative emotions without numbing the positive emotions too - I've learned that in order to feel alive and happy, we also have to endure the excruciating emotions because they increase the depth of our capacity for joy. Feel the feels.
24) The most fulfilling and lasting sources of happiness [usually] can't be bought with money - I've tried to buy my way out of misery (i.e. lots of sweaters during an especially brutal NYC winter) or into feeling confident (i.e. makeup and jewelry) but have found the results to be of fleeting benefit. Love, peace, hope, laughter, gratitude, faith, compassion...these are beautiful and more lasting things that can't be bought, sold, or seen.
25) God cares more about our growth than our comfort - Many of these lessons in my life could only be learned the hard way - through painful trial and error. God has given me comfort and peace in times of trial. He would rather do that than withhold painful learning experiences in the first place. Our comfort zones are a nice place, but nothing ever grows there, and God's goal for each of us is to perfect us so we can go back to live with Him.
26) It's better to regret the things we do than the things we didn't do (except for heinous crimes, obviously) - I learned this from one of my role models, Lucille Ball. She relentlessly sought to live at her fullest potential, taking risks and getting up after falls along the way. She was the original queen of YOLO. Learning from mistakes is less painful than regretting something we didn't have the courage to do.
27) Sometimes your first impressions of someone are completely wrong - A few of my closest friends were people I initially misjudged in a negative light. I'm grateful I took the time to get to know the wonderful people they are. Conversely, some friendly fun people have turned out to be self-centered and toxic.
28) People don't notice or care about your self-conscious faults nearly as much as you think they do - I learned this from a makeup artist at a counter in Ulta when I was in junior high. I told her about my skin insecurities as she did my makeup and she said nobody else notices the runs in our stockings as much as we do. Basically, the world doesn't revolve around us. Everyone is too busy worrying about their own stocking runs. What a liberating concept!
29) The atrocities of human history would be unbearable without the knowledge of Jesus Christ's atonement - I love learning about history, though it is often very ugly and shameful. The Crusades, the Holocaust, centuries of African slavery in the Americas, the decimation of Native Americans, the Rape of Nanking, and many many more horrific periods in history...I find the weight of these unbearable. How God must mourn for His children as they tortured and killed each other! Also, the many individual cases of domestic violence, terrorism, murder, and abuse happening all the time around us. I'm so grateful I learned about the perfectly just and merciful judgment of God. He will judge them so I don't have to. The atonement of Christ will make everything right again. The wicked will receive their fair punishment, the victims will receive their fair redemption and healing.
30) God has a bigger and greater plan for us than we have for ourselves - I sometimes look over my life and marvel that I was born in a tiny rural village in China and by any typical prediction would have grown up in China. But through many unexpected events, I ended up becoming a U.S. citizen who learned English, found the gospel of Jesus Christ, and went to graduate school in New York City, among many other incredible opportunities and blessings. And I believe He has more amazing plans for my next 30 years!
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| Hainan Island, China - thanks grandpa for the boy haircut |
Great life lessons :)
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