This may seem like a strange blog post from someone who is happily married and still in what is considered the "honeymoon stage". But I think it really comes from a deep sense of gratitude. I am very grateful for my ex-boyfriends. I am grateful for the experiences I gained with them and the lessons they taught me. I am also grateful I didn't marry them because I don't think we were good matches for eternity (my religion believes in forever marriages).
At my wedding, I sang Rascal Flatts' "The Broken Road" because that seems to be a perfect representation of my 12 year search for Mr. Right, my husband. When we were dating, he expressed sorrow for all the pains and heartaches of my dating history. Even though they were awful at the time, I told him I am grateful for those experiences because it softened, humbled, and prepared me to love and appreciate him more than if I'd just met him early on without much hardship. Looking back, I realized God was delaying my marriage to better prepare me for it.
I want to make it very clear that all of these were excellent men with many admirable qualities. Otherwise, I wouldn't have wanted to be their girlfriend! I respect them and want the very best for each of them, whether they broke my heart or I broke theirs (I'm very sorry). As another Rascal Flatts song says, "My wish for you is this life becomes all that you want it to!"
Ultimately, it really all comes down to having all 4 C's -
- Compatibility: Do we share enough similar values, interests, and lifestyle goals?
- Chemistry: Do we have that magnetic attraction to each other?
- Connection: Do we communicate on the same level and understand each other?
- Caring: Do we have a genuine concern for each other and love serving each other?
So here are the valuable lessons I learned from my ex-boyfriends that have led me to my husband.
***Note: the # of lessons doesn't represent the # of boyfriends I had.
2) Find someone who doesn't need your constant approval. I had a really clingy ex who came from divorced parents (so did I) who was very sweet but extremely insecure. He was always doting on me and freaked out if I wasn't happy, which seemed strange to me because my stress/mood wasn't usually because of him. Eventually, I found it too exhausting to constantly reassure him.
3) Find someone who has good social skills and puts others at ease. For one ex, the red flag became super clear when I realized that I got along with his friends better than he did, he made my friends feel awkward, and my dance partner was way more friendly towards him than he was. I love people and I love meeting new people. I knew I needed to find someone I could take with me anywhere and be socially comfortable.
4) Find someone can love you in your love language. No matter how much I explained love languages and requested quality time and touch (my top love languages), one ex kept giving me gifts. He was very busy and just dropped off little gifts (my least preferred love language) at my apartment, and it drove me crazy! I hardly saw him and didn't feel connected with him when we were together. I realized how important physical affection and sharing experiences was to me.
5) Find someone who will champion all the things you want to be besides a mom. I had an ex who grew up with a stay-at-home mom and 4-5 siblings, which he wanted to replicate exactly. I kept emphasizing that I want to be a devoted mom but also have a career. We had a lot of fun together but that was the ultimate deal breaker, and I'm very glad. He found the traditional wife he wanted and I found a man who supports my career progression as well as motherhood.
6) Find someone you would want to live with. I'm a super clean and neat person (some might call me a germaphobe) and one ex had a filthy, messy car and apartment. It didn't take me long to realize that we would drive each other crazy if we got married!
7) Find someone who brings out the best in you. The longer I was with one ex, the more I didn't like or recognize myself. He brought out ugly sides of me I had never seen. I found myself saying mean hurtful things and picking fights. It took me years to realize that I didn't want to marry him but didn't want to break up with him so I was trying to push him away and break up with me. This was the lowest point in my dating history, full of guilt, shame, and regret. He wouldn't break up with me so I finally broke it off and I think both of our mental health and self-esteem are better off.
8) Find someone you have insane chemistry with. Physical chemistry is one of the many "necessary but not sufficient" things I was looking for in a husband. Interestingly, there was one ex who I had so little chemistry with that we never even kissed! Nope, I knew I wanted a passionate marriage.
9) Find someone who makes you laugh a lot. When I met one ex, I was going through a rough transition and he helped relieve so much stress with his ridiculous jokes and texts. It lightened my burdens and helped me heal faster. He caused me to move "sense of humor" higher up on my husband wish list.
10) Find someone who doesn't live in a place where you would be miserable. One long distance ex was living in a state I would never want to live in and later moved back to another state I would never want to live in. I don't know where we would have lived if we had stayed together and I know love can get you through many challenges but I'm so glad I found a husband with whom I found a mutually agreeable state to live in.
11) Find someone who isn't intimidated by your accomplishments. I met one ex's family pretty soon after we started dating and the more I shared about my educational/career background, the more distant he became. A friend who met him later told me she could see how intimidated he felt by me, which was obviously not my intention. I'd dated other guys who celebrated and encouraged my goals/dreams so I knew what that felt like and I didn't want to settle for anything less than a confident proud cheerleader.
12) Find someone who God approves of for you. I've only had one ex who God directly told me NOT to date...multiple times. As soon as we became exclusive, I had a huge knot in my chest that didn't go away until we broke up a few weeks later. And every time I wanted to get back together with him, God gave me a firm "No, date other guys." It was amazing how clear and consistent that directive was. When I met my husband, the contrast floored me. I felt an unmistakable peace from God that my search was over and I understood why God kept me from dating my ex.
13) Find someone who has a relationship with their family you would want to be a part of. I've always been very independent from my family, moving hundreds of miles away after high school but very loyal in calling and visiting. One ex was extremely attached to his family, physically and emotionally. He became hesitant to do things with me without them. I'd always wanted to marry into a big family within my religion and he had that, but the level of closeness felt stifling and excessive.
14) Find someone who is a gentleman and treats you like a queen. I guess I'm one of those old-fashioned feminists. I believe in equal rights and opportunities for women and men, but I still like it when men act chivalrously and take the lead (probably because I'm a ballroom dancer). I understand that being a gentleman (opening doors, letting ladies go first, helping carry things, etc.) mostly comes from individual upbringings and not every guy was taught those courtesies. I feel the difference.
15) Find someone who hates some of the same lifestyle things you hate. Pets and video games - I knew these were loved by the vast majority of men my age and I would compromise if I absolutely had to (if the guy was ultra stellar in every other way) but I was still on the lookout for someone who didn't want those things in our home. I eventually found my unicorn! My husband also happens to hate camping, snow/ice, and clutter *swoon*.
16) Find someone who doesn't have "Yellow Fever". I've had several exes who I think were initially attracted to me because they served missions in Asian countries and became attracted to Asian girls. There's a strong stereotype that Asian girls are submissive and dainty. I am not those things and those exes quickly grew to understand that! I don't want to be with someone who just likes me because of their perceived generalizations about my race.
17) Find someone who is crazy about you and never leaves you questioning how they feel about you. An ex actually told me this when he was breaking up with me and of course it was agonizing at the time but later I realized it was a huge gift. He really cared about me as a friend and wanted me to be completely adored by someone, and he was honest when he told me he couldn't be what he felt I deserved. I'm so grateful he let me go...and find my husband.
BONUS! There are a few lessons from my exes that I still find very useful in my current marriage.
18) Don't be with someone you need, be with someone you choose to be with. I love this deep lesson that goes against what we often hear in popular media. When an ex said, "I don't need you." I was shocked and offended but he meant it as a great compliment because he was saying he's not codependent or needy, he consciously and intentionally chose to have me in his life. Of course, that relationship didn't work out but I love applying this lesson to my marriage. My husband has many strengths and abilities I lack which at times makes me uncomfortable with the thought of becoming dependent on him (Miss Independent here). I never want to feel like I'm only with my husband because I can't function or figure out life on my own, and I never want to make him that dependent on me. I want a marriage of 2 functional, independent adults who are not afraid to be alone and only choose to be together because of love, shared values, and commitment to our marriage covenants.
19) Observe and accept, don't judge or try to control. I didn't learn this from an ex but from God while I was with that ex. I have strong natural tendencies to judge and control others, which always frustrate myself and others in romantic relationships. I'm constantly trying to fight these tendencies. With my new venture into mindfulness, I was determined to be more accepting and at peace. I had to constantly remind myself that I wasn't married to that guy so all I had to do was observe his natural state and decide if I wanted to be with him instead of trying to mold him into my version of a perfect man. Now that I'm married, this core principle still applies. Because I married an independent, self-sufficient man, I drive both of us crazy when I try to change or control him to become something I want. I have to remind myself that I would also hate it if he was constantly trying to change or control me. So I try to suggest and influence by example but respect his decisions to do as he sees fit. I know his deep love for me and God so I have to trust his intentions are for our best interest.
My husband and I are not perfect (obviously) and neither is our marriage (duh) but I know he is perfect for me. He balances me out in many ways and helps me become the woman God would have me be.
Looking back, I'm grateful God didn't give me what I wanted (to get married young) because He knows me better than I know myself. He knows that -
- I learn best by experience, which is sometimes painful
- I needed to fully discover my own personality/values/passions/weaknesses
- I needed to develop a closer relationship with Him and increase my trust in Him
- I needed to prove the power of Christ's Atonement to heal and give me "beauty for ashes"
- I often focused on the wrong things to look for in a husband
- I would forever treasure all the friendships, higher education, professional experience, and travels I gained in my 20s that would have never been possible if I had gotten married at 19
- Both my husband and I had a lot of maturing to do before we would reunite years later (we were on the same college dance team) and truly appreciate who each other had become
God is good.
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